pink bubbling soda

 

Same routines

Same activities

Same tastes in everything

Same habits

Same choices of lunch

Same hobbies

Same favorite food

Same favorite drinks

Same friends to talk about ur lover to

Same game to play

Same things to do when you feel bored

Same address

Same thoughts in life

Same cycle in relationship

Different girl

Different traits

Different cities to visit

Different thoughts about me

You haven't changed, you just changed the heart you want to break. 

After holding grudges for quite some time and releasing it by doing some reckless actions, I'm over it. 

Not that I forget everything, all the good and the bad things, I will never be able to erase them all from my memory. I still cry myself a river when my condition is unstable. Crying thinking about how could I let that person get into my life and ruin me. It's just, confusing. Months ago, I knew him so well that I knew what he was gonna say and do, and now, I don't know him at all. But oh well, that's what happens when the period is over.

However, I'm super proud of myself for being able to get through this 65% with my own help. From April to May, that period, I was struggling in living my life.  I cried every night, I couldn't eat, I could barely breathe, it just felt freaking hurt that being gone was the only thing I wanted to do. It felt like I was being stabbed right in my back many times and constantly. Though I feel so much better, the trauma remains forever. I still like picturing him and his new girl, thinking how could I be replaced that fast. 

Still, all the obstacles and struggles couldn't have been gone through without the help of my loved ones. Super Grateful!

I want to say thank you to Kak Ita, for always being there during those hard times. Helped me to get through it, helped me to make the fantastic long paragraph for this guy, and helped me defend myself. Your encouraging words also helped me a lot, I love you forever<3

I want to say thank you to Indira, for always checking up on me and asking me how I feel although you know the answer. Thank you for helping me in analyzing this guy's toxic behavior so that I didn't fall into his ugly traps. Thank you for always being there when I feel alone and lonely, I'm super grateful for your existence, hope you and I will meet our lovers soon!

I want to say thank you to Nadhira, for always being there through my ups and downs, thank you also for talking shit about this guy HAHA it helped a lot, thank you for always reminding me that I'm amazing, deserve to be loved, and deserve the best in this world. You know what? I will always be your friend and will never leave you forever. Pinky promise!

I want to say thank you to Vindy, for always being there as well as slapping me with reality. Thank you for never sugarcoating your words and always being straight to the point, I somehow need that too. Thank you for helping me defend myself, thank you for being mature. I love you so<3

I want to say thank you to Cacak, for never tired of listening and responding to all my rants about this shitty guy, thank you for giving your best advice although you know that it would come to my sense when I'm sober enough to process anything. Thank you for always trying to cheer me up, and always finding a way to make me feel better during those dark days. Love you so much<3

I want to say thank you to Baby, for always being there sitting quietly listening to my rants as well as making fun of this shitty guy. I'm entertained every time we meet and talk. Cannot wait to move to Bandung and be on your side 24/7<3

I cannot write paragraphs about people who have helped me as it would make a long-ass paragraph, however, I'm thanking everyone who's there during my dark days, during my healing process. I'm thanking everyone who pours their love into beautiful words to make me feel better and help me to get through the day. I'm grateful for all your genuine care, love, and support. so thank you

In the end, I want to say thank you to you, qi. Thank you for showing off your true colors, you might tell all people that I suck, that I'm the one to blame as your manipulative ass will be always in you forever. It's so unfortunate as you could conquer the world by being kind and being true to yourself. You don't have to feel sorry for me, feel sorry for yourself that your toxic traits cover up the good ones. Hope the guilts and regrets forever be in you<3

 I just got cheated on, congratulations!

I was in my anger phase a week ago, I poured my emotions into awful tweets & videos on Twitter and Tik Tok with a purpose so the target would notice, well, the target reached and I feel super satisfied. 

Now I know, that people release their feelings/emotions in different ways.

Some might just keep it to themselves, some might scream and cry, others would destroy or throw things, and people like me would say awful things on social media. It's a form of disappointment they've been keeping for a long time, and when it's about to blow up, it explodes. 

From now on, I will not judge people based on how they channel their emotions, especially anger. We know nothing about what they've been through and the reasons behind their actions. However, learning to be emotionally mature is also crucial. It can help us reduce our intention to do awful actions that might harm ourselves or others. 

However, my point is, that I feel content! 

I feel free, I am now entering my wonderful era, I can feel it. 

This person couldn't handle my awesomeness, and it shows. It wasn't my fault, after all, It was him. 

I am ready to be a better person to all my loved ones. Super ready to accomplish all the things I've dreamed of. Super ready to see my dreams come true. 

If you're going through the same conditions, don't worry sweetheart, you will be okay, even better than before. So, hang on, okay?! 

<3

 

Halo Dee, 

Ini tanggal 19 April 2022, kamu tiba-tiba halangan padahal di Flo kamu harusnya halangannya masih 7 hari lagi. Gapapa, karena lagi stress ya?

Tapi kamu jadi sadar ya kenapa kemarin kamu anxious banget terus nangis sejadi-jadinya karena ada yang trigger kamu soal kepatah hatian kamu, eh ternyata karena mau dateng ni tamunya. Semoga, besok kamu jadi feel better ya!

I know for sure, you're crying while writing this. Thinking that you why you always end up getting hurt padahal hati kamu baik banget, dee. You got a beautiful, pure heart, dee. 

I cannot even answer why, why you have to go through such things, hal-hal berat selalu kamu hadapin. Aku juga engga bisa jawab kapan ini berakhir, aku juga engga bisa jawab kenapa kamu selalu ngerasa sedih, hey tapi inget ga, 2021 kamu bahagia kan? iya!

Di 2021 kamu sidang skripsi, kamu main-main lama banget sama Nadhira, kamu nyetir mobil ke jalan walau sekarang kamu udah jarang bawa mobilnya ke jalan tapi gapapa kemajuan besar! terus ya kamu ketemu sama satu orang dan bisa ngerasain rasanya disayang banget dan diperjuangin---walau, itu cuman bertahan sampai 5 bulan. Terus sekarang kamu hancur banget karena kamu kehilangan 'hal' itu, sesuatu yang kamu belum pernah rasain sebelumnya, kebahagiaan yang hal itu kasih ke kamu, tiba-tiba harus hilang gitu aja. Gapapa ya dee, sekarang hati kamu hancur tapi kita susun lagi ya hatinya? putting back all the pieces biar jadi hati kamu yang seutuhnya lagi. Takes a lot of time but hey! kamu pernah juga kok ngelewatin kaya gini sebelumnya, and you survived.

Tapi dee, you are being left by someone you love so much, that doesn't mean you're lacking in something. Kamu keren kok dee, kamu asik, kalau diajak ngobrol nyambung, kamu cantik, kamu baik, hati kamu baik banget, kamu tau cara bikin orang disekitar senang, kamu gapernah ada tujuan buat bikin orang-orang sedih, kamu selalu mau untuk ngeusahain apapun itu untuk buat orang-orang yang kamu sayangi bahagia. As I said before dee, you got a beautiful, pure heart, dee dan belum tentu semua orang punya hati secantik dan sebaik kamu. 

Gapapa yah, kalau orang yang kamu sayang ninggalin kamu? mereka ga bersyukur aja dengan apa yang mereka punya. Bukannya manusia umumnya kaya gitu? kamu juga pernah kan kaya gitu? 

Sekarang dee harus fokus yah, selesain kuliahnya, dapetin gelar MBA secepat mungkin dan cari kerja biar bisa berguna untuk orang-orang yang kamu sayang. Aku percaya kamu bisa. Kurangin ga pedenya yah? you are capable of anything, you're more than what you think. Sekarang, focus on yourself dulu aja yah? You will find someone that loves you so much that the thought of leaving you makes him barely breathe. Someone you've been asking for god every night, persis seperti yang kamu doain ke Allah disetiap penghujung  doa. Semangat ya dee<3

Aku jarang banget ngehargain kamu dee tapi sekarang aku mau sering-sering ngehargain kamu ya. Makasih ya udah survive, udah mau usaha untuk selalu hidup dan bertahan. Makasih udah selalu baik ke siapapun. Semoga lekas pulih hatinya.

 It's been a while since my last writing and I'm so happy that I still can access this blog and write. 

Ugh I know I tend to write when my heart is broken. 

However, I still have no idea what to write. I actually really want to write about my previous relationship. A relationship that opened my eyes, did give me a lot of things to learn, did give me new perspectives, and somehow, changed me. I mean, the way I see a relationship and how to behave has changed. 

I've always been that girl who gives all my love, and I still do. 

I've always been that girl who gives up easily when something seems wrong, that's not me anymore. 

And for this relationship, although I cry myself out almost every night, I know it's worth saving. This person really gives a significant impact on me. I can be myself around him, I can say what I want to say, I can say anything that pops up in my head without feeling embarrassed, I can smile and laugh over small things, I can tell him my cheapest jokes, I can freely show my bare face and soul, and most importantly, the way he makes me feel & his vibe, marvelous. I know for sure he also feels the same. 

I love the way he talks, the way he looks at me, the way he smiles, the way he walks, the way he eats, the way he focuses on what he's doing, the way he helps others, the way he stands for himself, the way he holds my hand, the way he kisses me, the way he hugs me, the way he sleeps, the way he laughs, the way he gives me a weird face cuz of my cheap jokes, the way he makes fun of my typos, the way he talks about his interests, the way he shows me the pictures he took himself, the way he appreciates me and people, the way he helps his family, all his small gestures, the way he never forgets to buy me a bottle of mineral water, the way he waves at me, the way he talks about his friends, the way he sends me selfies, the way he calls me pretty, his big beautiful heart, the way he apologizes, the way he understands me, all his efforts, I love them all. Does he realize that he's super lovely? 

I cannot seem to let go, I don't want to. Is it the time to give all my efforts back to him? I guess so. I don't want to lose anything that we had-or have. I don't want to give up on us. 

Isn't love all about fixing, recovering, and growing?

Ada banyak sekali keinginan yang ingin sekali bisa terwujud
banyaaaaak sekali
banyak banget malah..

yang pertama

gue pengen bisa tinggal/kuliah di negara lain dan negara yang gue pengen itu kalau ga amerika (PENGEN BGT DEMI APAPUN KE AMERIKA YA ALLAH PLS BEFORE I DIE:(((() atauga korea (suka bgt sama suasananya terus gimana ya karena anaknya drakor banget yakan...) atauga prancis (beautiful country really man) ya Inggris (gatau suka aja sama inggris ok). salah satu cita-cita gue yang gue gatau bakal terwujud atau ngga tapi bener-bener pengen bisa ngerasain sih hidup di negara orang and having new friends!!!!!!!

yang kedua

pengen kurus. udah pengen banget kurus astagfirullah...................
kaya udah berapa tahun gue doanya kurus terus tp kok belum terkabul-terkabul sampe sekarang hmm...

yang ketiga

menjadi orang yang berguna dan percaya diri sih karena gue emgg banyak bgt isu2 di dalam diri gue yang berhubungan dengan percaya diri dan bagaimana gue ga berani untuk melakukan sesuatu karena ketidak percayaan diri gue dimana gue ngerasa kaya people won't see me cuz i'm ugly.. dan mungkin gue sadar dari situlah gue selalu melakukan hal-hal ga maksimal dan malah bikin semua orang kecewa sama gue.

yang ke empat

gue mau banget jadi orang baik dimana gada iri dengki cemburu di dalam diri gue karena kadang gue masih suka iri dan cemburu sama temen-temen gue sendiri dan gue tau itu salah jadinya gue pengen banget-banget ngurangin itu haduh:(((

sekian love yu

hi everyone

so it's me, haydee, back to my routine.. well, it's not really a routine more like a hobby and it's been a long time since my last post so yay

So as you know if you've been stuck in my social media you can tell that i spent my kind-of-3-months-holiday with my friends from my organization so you also can tell that for the past few months i've been such a good girl surrounded with beautiful people with different skills, different dreams, but the same goals.

Kalau kalian sudah mengikuti lika liku kehidupan gue dari episode 1 sampe sekarang gue udah gatau udah ke episode berapa, terutama kalian yang dekat banget sama gue, pasti tau gue itu gimana.

Gue dulu orangnya ga percaya diri, gaberani ngelakuin apapun yang menurut gue ga bisa gue lakuin. Gue dulu gaberani ngomong depan umum. Gue gabisa senyum ramah gitu (sekarang masih sih but well better). i don't know how organization works and i don't know how to do it?

Nah, karena dari dulu gue emang udah janji untuk lebih aktif ya setidaknya move my ass a little bit lah ya di dunia perkuliahan, akhirnya gue masuklah ke himpunan jurusan gue. you guys know what my orgz is.

Alhamdulillahnya tuh gue diterima karena gue pikir gabakal keterima juga karena gila gaksi gue gada pengalaman organisasi juga dari dulu dulu banget tapi gue punya keinginan untuk lebih aktif dan lebih berpengalaman dan mendapatkan pengetahuan selain pengetahuan mata kuliah:)

Nah, gue masuk organisasi itu awal tahun kemarin dan sampe sekarang alhamdulillah gue merasa gue berkembang. I'm not telling you that I'm satisfied with the result though i still want to learn and learn and learn cause my friends are the best and better than me. Tapi gue merasa setidaknya ada beberapa dari diri gue yang berubah. Salah satunya tingkat kepercayaan diri gue naik.

Kalau lo teman-teman yang cuman tau gue dari luar sih pasti lo mikir kaya gue selalu pd. pasti pada mikir haydee extro. pasti pada mikir hidup gue seneng-seneng aja. Nope man, bahkan sekarang pun, detik ini pun, gue masih ga percaya diri sama diri gue sendiri cause of some issues that i got that also relates to the orgz.

Nah tapi disini gue mau nekanin kalau being a part of orgz is really-really important. Gue mengorbankan 3 bulan liburan gue, okay gue ga liburan, i didn't get to see my mum and dad tapi setidaknya pengetahuan gue bertambah dan keluarga gue bertambah. Gue sendiri, gatau kenapa, emang lagi suka banget untuk belajar hal-hal baru. being smart > being pretty, you know?

Dari organisasi, gue belajar banyak hal.
Gue belajar, kalau kita jadi manusia itu gaboleh cuman mikirin diri sendiri, we should be able think out of the box too, we should be able to built a relation with others so our goals (the orgz's goals) could be accomplished, kita harus sabar, kita harus cepat tanggap, and the important thing is appreciate others.

Kenapa organisasi itu penting?
organzation is full of intelligent people, full of educated people
Bagaimana mau pintar kalau kita malas untuk berorganisasi kalau kita malas menambah pengetahuan?

Di organisasi inilah kita dapat bertukar pikiran dengan siapa saja. Kita dapat melihat bermacam-macam point of view.

Kadang, banyak anggota organisasi yang buat gue nganga sih.
banyak yang buat gue 'eh iya iya'
atau 'eh bener juga kok gue gapernah kepikiran'
seringnya sih mereka bikin gue 'gila gaksi, i wish i could be like them.. bisa gaksi? pasti bisa!'

jadi bagian organisasi itu juga bantu diri gue dalam memotivasi diri gue sendiri untuk bisa jadi manusia yang cerdas, manusia yang berguna dan manusia yang terus mau belajar kedepannya.
Gue gampang banget termotivasi kalau ngeliat teman-teman atau orang terdekat gue hebat.

Yang ke (keberapa sih?)
Kekeluargaan itu sangat gue rasakan di organisasi terutama angkatan gue sendiri
HIHI lov u 17 ku

Mereka banyak ngajarin gue banyak hal. i can't explain, you must feel it yourself. Kalau sekiranya tahun depan lo ada yg masuk orgz, pasti ngerti kok maksud gue apa hehehe.

Tapi ga selamanya hidup di orgz itu mulus ya genks... hidup gue di orgz ga mulus kok.. most of my tears are caused by it lol sumpah sih ini ga curcol tapi beneran. so let me tell you something, when you decide to be a part of orgz, you have to prepare.. orgz is not always about having fun and learn.. it mostly hurts you and learn.. so what you gonna do when it hurts?

Lapang dada, banyakin ngobrol dengan orang-orang.. sumpah banyakin ngobrol.. banyakin tukar pikiran dan luruskan pikiran.. gue yakin, semakin kita dewasa, kita dapat berpikir secara jelas dan benar.. apapun yang terjadi di orgz yang bikin lo sedih dan senang.. selalu anggap itu sebagai pelajaran.. karena itu yang gue lakukan sih..

Dan gue ga berhenti sih buat bilang kalau always be nice to everyone ya.. di organisasi di rumah di lingkungan kampus... mau itu mau gimanapun.. jadi baiklah