pink bubbling soda

Halo Dee, 

Ini tanggal 19 April 2022, kamu tiba-tiba halangan padahal di Flo kamu harusnya halangannya masih 7 hari lagi. Gapapa, karena lagi stress ya?

Tapi kamu jadi sadar ya kenapa kemarin kamu anxious banget terus nangis sejadi-jadinya karena ada yang trigger kamu soal kepatah hatian kamu, eh ternyata karena mau dateng ni tamunya. Semoga, besok kamu jadi feel better ya!

I know for sure, you're crying while writing this. Thinking that you why you always end up getting hurt padahal hati kamu baik banget, dee. You got a beautiful, pure heart, dee. 

I cannot even answer why, why you have to go through such things, hal-hal berat selalu kamu hadapin. Aku juga engga bisa jawab kapan ini berakhir, aku juga engga bisa jawab kenapa kamu selalu ngerasa sedih, hey tapi inget ga, 2021 kamu bahagia kan? iya!

Di 2021 kamu sidang skripsi, kamu main-main lama banget sama Nadhira, kamu nyetir mobil ke jalan walau sekarang kamu udah jarang bawa mobilnya ke jalan tapi gapapa kemajuan besar! terus ya kamu ketemu sama satu orang dan bisa ngerasain rasanya disayang banget dan diperjuangin---walau, itu cuman bertahan sampai 5 bulan. Terus sekarang kamu hancur banget karena kamu kehilangan 'hal' itu, sesuatu yang kamu belum pernah rasain sebelumnya, kebahagiaan yang hal itu kasih ke kamu, tiba-tiba harus hilang gitu aja. Gapapa ya dee, sekarang hati kamu hancur tapi kita susun lagi ya hatinya? putting back all the pieces biar jadi hati kamu yang seutuhnya lagi. Takes a lot of time but hey! kamu pernah juga kok ngelewatin kaya gini sebelumnya, and you survived.

Tapi dee, you are being left by someone you love so much, that doesn't mean you're lacking in something. Kamu keren kok dee, kamu asik, kalau diajak ngobrol nyambung, kamu cantik, kamu baik, hati kamu baik banget, kamu tau cara bikin orang disekitar senang, kamu gapernah ada tujuan buat bikin orang-orang sedih, kamu selalu mau untuk ngeusahain apapun itu untuk buat orang-orang yang kamu sayangi bahagia. As I said before dee, you got a beautiful, pure heart, dee dan belum tentu semua orang punya hati secantik dan sebaik kamu. 

Gapapa yah, kalau orang yang kamu sayang ninggalin kamu? mereka ga bersyukur aja dengan apa yang mereka punya. Bukannya manusia umumnya kaya gitu? kamu juga pernah kan kaya gitu? 

Sekarang dee harus fokus yah, selesain kuliahnya, dapetin gelar MBA secepat mungkin dan cari kerja biar bisa berguna untuk orang-orang yang kamu sayang. Aku percaya kamu bisa. Kurangin ga pedenya yah? you are capable of anything, you're more than what you think. Sekarang, focus on yourself dulu aja yah? You will find someone that loves you so much that the thought of leaving you makes him barely breathe. Someone you've been asking for god every night, persis seperti yang kamu doain ke Allah disetiap penghujung  doa. Semangat ya dee<3

Aku jarang banget ngehargain kamu dee tapi sekarang aku mau sering-sering ngehargain kamu ya. Makasih ya udah survive, udah mau usaha untuk selalu hidup dan bertahan. Makasih udah selalu baik ke siapapun. Semoga lekas pulih hatinya.

 It's been a while since my last writing and I'm so happy that I still can access this blog and write. 

Ugh I know I tend to write when my heart is broken. 

However, I still have no idea what to write. I actually really want to write about my previous relationship. A relationship that opened my eyes, did give me a lot of things to learn, did give me new perspectives, and somehow, changed me. I mean, the way I see a relationship and how to behave has changed. 

I've always been that girl who gives all my love, and I still do. 

I've always been that girl who gives up easily when something seems wrong, that's not me anymore. 

And for this relationship, although I cry myself out almost every night, I know it's worth saving. This person really gives a significant impact on me. I can be myself around him, I can say what I want to say, I can say anything that pops up in my head without feeling embarrassed, I can smile and laugh over small things, I can tell him my cheapest jokes, I can freely show my bare face and soul, and most importantly, the way he makes me feel & his vibe, marvelous. I know for sure he also feels the same. 

I love the way he talks, the way he looks at me, the way he smiles, the way he walks, the way he eats, the way he focuses on what he's doing, the way he helps others, the way he stands for himself, the way he holds my hand, the way he kisses me, the way he hugs me, the way he sleeps, the way he laughs, the way he gives me a weird face cuz of my cheap jokes, the way he makes fun of my typos, the way he talks about his interests, the way he shows me the pictures he took himself, the way he appreciates me and people, the way he helps his family, all his small gestures, the way he never forgets to buy me a bottle of mineral water, the way he waves at me, the way he talks about his friends, the way he sends me selfies, the way he calls me pretty, his big beautiful heart, the way he apologizes, the way he understands me, all his efforts, I love them all. Does he realize that he's super lovely? 

I cannot seem to let go, I don't want to. Is it the time to give all my efforts back to him? I guess so. I don't want to lose anything that we had-or have. I don't want to give up on us. 

Isn't love all about fixing, recovering, and growing?