So yeah i'm going to tell you about my obsession with being skinny. Karena ini adalah minggu malam and I completely have nothing to do ditambah gue juga engga tau mau nulis apa di blog jadi let me tell you about this ok. (Thanks to my dear friend, Putri Windiana who came up with the idea yang gue rubah sedikit)

So I've been getting a lot of questions about my body. Why is it getting fatter and fatter. Gue cuman bisa senyum (gadeng, I always make a jutek face) (you know, I can't control my face so it always looks glum as if I have no life). Jadi ya gue cuman kaya yaudahlah ya walaupun di hati tuh gue sedih banget. For now, I'm (kinda) avoiding my friends because I don't want them to see me, to see the horrible and miserable me. I keep saying that I can't meet them to avoid them. (pathetic, isn't it). When the truth is I really, really, really miss them but in the other side, I'm not ready enough to hear their comments/opinions about my looks or appearance now. 

I was soooooooooooooooooooooo fat that no one was really my friend. When some of my friends got a cute and romantic love story, I just encouraged myself that someday I would have one. The one who is better than the boys I know. I still do because no one likes me. I keep thinking that boys only like skinny girls and beautiful girls. Beautiful girls with thousands followers on instagram, beautiful hair, and white skin.  Yeah, gue lagi mencoba menguruskan badan biar jadi skinny girls. 

Gue..

Makan kok..

I never eat anything at school. Ya cuman kadang-kadang aja. Most of my friends are skinny karena (kelihatannya) emang keturunan dari sananya gitu. They eat a lot. They eat everything. But only gain 1 kg a year while me gain 5kgs a year (impressive, isn't it) but then lost weight in the same year sementara gue... 

tidak. 

Kadang, memikirkan apa yang harus gue makan besok itu pusing. Sungguh sangat pusing. Gue bisa galau kalau udah soal makanan. Di satu sisi, gue pengen banget makan apa aja yang mau gue makan but in the other side, I can't. It's just that I'm gaining weight easily. I think I'm the only one who is gaining weight easily in my family. Yea, if you know me you can see that my brothers are thin. 

Kata nyokap, keturunan. But she wasn't as fat as me when she was in high school. She was so pretty and skinny that a lot of boys wanted to be her boyfriend. (lol if u read this mom). 

Ya, jadi tujuan gue itu adalah biar jadi kurus bc I'm starting to hate mirrors now. Seolah-olah di dalam pikiran gue itu cuman jadi kurus, how to be skinny100x. Cuman itu.

Bagi beberapa orang, Being fat isn't a big deal. Bagi gue, itu adalah masalah besar that I feel like i can't continue this life kalau gue terus bertambah besar nanti. 

Lo bisa lihat betapa sedihnya gue sekarang. 

Lo bisa lihat betapa obsesinya gue untuk menjadi kurus so that everyone likes me.

I'm planning to eat once a day, to only eat cucumbers/bananas/apples for 2 weeks sehabis lebaran nanti. I'm going insane, i know. Gue rasa udah ga peduli lagi sama diri gue dan badan gue. 

'What if you end up sick, haydee?'

Wah kalau sakitnya bikin gue turun berat berkilo kilo mah gapapa. 

Sekarang lo udah tau kan gimana gilanya gue. Gilanya pikiran gue?

it's because I can't handle the pain. I can't pretend that I'm okay with my current condition. 

Gue gatau ya. Pola makan gue tuh biasa aja tapi I keep gaining weight. Gue tuh bener-bener iri sama temen-temen gue yang kurus dan bisa makan banyak tapi ga gemuk-gemuk. Gue juga jadi sebel sama orang yang bilang dirinya gemuk padahal mereka tuh udah dibilang ideal. 

I would be the happiest girl ever if i was skinny. 

Kayanya...

Gue udah coba semua. Makan ga pake nasi? udah. Olahraga? udah. Menahan diri gue? udah.

Tapi tetap aja sih hasilnya. 

0. 

I don't know what to do anymore. Really. 

But yeah, Gue lagi super duper mencoba untuk bersyukur dengan apa yang gue punya sekarang. 

Gue punya keluarga dan teman-teman yang baik banget. Yea gue bersyukur. 

Kalau lo mikir 'haydee diet terus tapi gapernah kurus' 'percuma dee lo tambah gendut' 

I don't give a f about your opinions. seriously. At least I'm trying. 

I believe, If i keep trying dan ditambah doa, Bisa aja tiba-tiba gue kurus sekurus Kim so hyun. 

terus lo tiba-tiba gabisa bedain mana haydee mana kim so hyun. 

terus tiba-tiba gue di ajak main drama gantiin kim so hyun....

hayolo gimana.

Juga, jika lo ingin mengomentari orang harus hati-hati. Even if they smile or laugh after knowing your opinions about them. Do not feel relieved. They might get hurt without you even knowing. 

lol, yea intinya gini lah gue dengan obsesi gue untuk menjadi kurus. People will judge you from your looks first. But you have to stay strong and do not ever let them ruin your life. 

(I'm not an attention seeker, I just want to share my story & do not feel sorry! because I'm okay) 

Have a wonderful life, everyone! 

-hyd

(My new fav drama ever I can't breathe)