pink bubbling soda

I should carry on getting rid of the thoughts of you

It's like I'm stepping onto a thorny road without the end

I seem cannot find the way out

Where am I? I know the answer for sure but still, I keep asking

'Where am I?'

We used to walk on this road together, 

Back when the sun shines so brightly to the day where it doesn't shine at all

Up until now

It's only me, who's walking-- heavily breathing, putting my hands on my chest

You've successfully gotten out of this road, congratulations

I didn't ask earlier how you did it now I'm drowning in regrets

All I know is that you have found my substitute

What road are you walking on now? Is she holding you tight-- or leading you the way?

You were stepping into my life, thinking that everything would be easy

It was me who made you think so

You are attracted to easy things, easy ways, easy people

You are scared of a big challenge as you haven't reached that age

But I was once your enormous defiance that end up being your hardest hurdle

I carry on trying to fill the void despite the cold air rushing through my lungs

Despising the fact that my imprudence is still longing for your touch

Yet, good thing, I'm out of your sight

 I have always been alone, and lonely

I spend most of my time being alone, and lonely

I don't have any problem going out alone, doing things alone, living alone, -- having fun alone (I once enjoyed a concert alone)

But I just found out recently the meaning of solitude I'm having these past few months after facing some hellish ordeals that, successfully, ruined my life--- I can still feel the pain and trauma but I'm much better compared to me 3 months ago-- Thanks to family, friends, and me. 

If I'm allowed to say, the first six months of 2022 has been rough. People come and go-- but it's more like the people I adore are leaving. Some left with a fit of anger, some left forever, and some left because they needed to. I haven't welcomed the new ones. 

Thinking about the concept, it will be only me and my solitude, at the end. 

I've been contemplating a lot recently whenever I'm alone--or doing things alone. At that moment, I realize, that life is not something you can grasp. It's something that you need to feel while it's there. Being with someone you adore so much now? feel it, having a rough week? feel it, enjoying your favorite meals 5 days in a row? feel it, being scolded by your nicest boss? feel it, getting unexpected money from your work? feel it, been crying for a whole month? feel it. Just feel it and enjoy it while it's there. 

People come and go, all the things you love and hate also come and go, and you will come and go eventually, either you walk out of someone's life or your own. 

Living your life to the fullest, being friends with your solitude. Dig deeper when there's just both of you. In other words, get to know yourself even deeper. What do you want? what do you need? What's the definition of living for you? How to solve your own problems? how to maintain your mental health? talk to yourself, they've been feeling lonely that they look for someone to lean on when the truth is, the only person they need is themselves. 

Don't ask for someone that has the possibility of breaking your heart, ruining your life, or crushing your mind. Question everything and try to look up the answers yourself, by being observant as well as learning from your pasts and mistakes.

You will be okay, your solitude won't push you off of the cliff. 

Same routines

Same activities

Same tastes in everything

Same habits

Same choices of lunch

Same hobbies

Same favorite food

Same favorite drinks

Same friends to talk about ur lover to

Same game to play

Same things to do when you feel bored

Same address

Same thoughts in life

Same cycle in relationship

Different girl

Different traits

Different cities to visit

Different thoughts about me

You haven't changed, you just changed the heart you want to break. 

After holding grudges for quite some time and releasing it by doing some reckless actions, I'm over it. 

Not that I forget everything, all the good and the bad things, I will never be able to erase them all from my memory. I still cry myself a river when my condition is unstable. Crying thinking about how could I let that person get into my life and ruin me. It's just, confusing. Months ago, I knew him so well that I knew what he was gonna say and do, and now, I don't know him at all. But oh well, that's what happens when the period is over.

However, I'm super proud of myself for being able to get through this 65% with my own help. From April to May, that period, I was struggling in living my life.  I cried every night, I couldn't eat, I could barely breathe, it just felt freaking hurt that being gone was the only thing I wanted to do. It felt like I was being stabbed right in my back many times and constantly. Though I feel so much better, the trauma remains forever. I still like picturing him and his new girl, thinking how could I be replaced that fast. 

Still, all the obstacles and struggles couldn't have been gone through without the help of my loved ones. Super Grateful!

I want to say thank you to Kak Ita, for always being there during those hard times. Helped me to get through it, helped me to make the fantastic long paragraph for this guy, and helped me defend myself. Your encouraging words also helped me a lot, I love you forever<3

I want to say thank you to Indira, for always checking up on me and asking me how I feel although you know the answer. Thank you for helping me in analyzing this guy's toxic behavior so that I didn't fall into his ugly traps. Thank you for always being there when I feel alone and lonely, I'm super grateful for your existence, hope you and I will meet our lovers soon!

I want to say thank you to Nadhira, for always being there through my ups and downs, thank you also for talking shit about this guy HAHA it helped a lot, thank you for always reminding me that I'm amazing, deserve to be loved, and deserve the best in this world. You know what? I will always be your friend and will never leave you forever. Pinky promise!

I want to say thank you to Vindy, for always being there as well as slapping me with reality. Thank you for never sugarcoating your words and always being straight to the point, I somehow need that too. Thank you for helping me defend myself, thank you for being mature. I love you so<3

I want to say thank you to Cacak, for never tired of listening and responding to all my rants about this shitty guy, thank you for giving your best advice although you know that it would come to my sense when I'm sober enough to process anything. Thank you for always trying to cheer me up, and always finding a way to make me feel better during those dark days. Love you so much<3

I want to say thank you to Baby, for always being there sitting quietly listening to my rants as well as making fun of this shitty guy. I'm entertained every time we meet and talk. Cannot wait to move to Bandung and be on your side 24/7<3

I cannot write paragraphs about people who have helped me as it would make a long-ass paragraph, however, I'm thanking everyone who's there during my dark days, during my healing process. I'm thanking everyone who pours their love into beautiful words to make me feel better and help me to get through the day. I'm grateful for all your genuine care, love, and support. so thank you

In the end, I want to say thank you to you, qi. Thank you for showing off your true colors, you might tell all people that I suck, that I'm the one to blame as your manipulative ass will be always in you forever. It's so unfortunate as you could conquer the world by being kind and being true to yourself. You don't have to feel sorry for me, feel sorry for yourself that your toxic traits cover up the good ones. Hope the guilts and regrets forever be in you<3

 I just got cheated on, congratulations!

I was in my anger phase a week ago, I poured my emotions into awful tweets & videos on Twitter and Tik Tok with a purpose so the target would notice, well, the target reached and I feel super satisfied. 

Now I know, that people release their feelings/emotions in different ways.

Some might just keep it to themselves, some might scream and cry, others would destroy or throw things, and people like me would say awful things on social media. It's a form of disappointment they've been keeping for a long time, and when it's about to blow up, it explodes. 

From now on, I will not judge people based on how they channel their emotions, especially anger. We know nothing about what they've been through and the reasons behind their actions. However, learning to be emotionally mature is also crucial. It can help us reduce our intention to do awful actions that might harm ourselves or others. 

However, my point is, that I feel content! 

I feel free, I am now entering my wonderful era, I can feel it. 

This person couldn't handle my awesomeness, and it shows. It wasn't my fault, after all, It was him. 

I am ready to be a better person to all my loved ones. Super ready to accomplish all the things I've dreamed of. Super ready to see my dreams come true. 

If you're going through the same conditions, don't worry sweetheart, you will be okay, even better than before. So, hang on, okay?! 

<3

Halo Dee, 

Ini tanggal 19 April 2022, kamu tiba-tiba halangan padahal di Flo kamu harusnya halangannya masih 7 hari lagi. Gapapa, karena lagi stress ya?

Tapi kamu jadi sadar ya kenapa kemarin kamu anxious banget terus nangis sejadi-jadinya karena ada yang trigger kamu soal kepatah hatian kamu, eh ternyata karena mau dateng ni tamunya. Semoga, besok kamu jadi feel better ya!

I know for sure, you're crying while writing this. Thinking that you why you always end up getting hurt padahal hati kamu baik banget, dee. You got a beautiful, pure heart, dee. 

I cannot even answer why, why you have to go through such things, hal-hal berat selalu kamu hadapin. Aku juga engga bisa jawab kapan ini berakhir, aku juga engga bisa jawab kenapa kamu selalu ngerasa sedih, hey tapi inget ga, 2021 kamu bahagia kan? iya!

Di 2021 kamu sidang skripsi, kamu main-main lama banget sama Nadhira, kamu nyetir mobil ke jalan walau sekarang kamu udah jarang bawa mobilnya ke jalan tapi gapapa kemajuan besar! terus ya kamu ketemu sama satu orang dan bisa ngerasain rasanya disayang banget dan diperjuangin---walau, itu cuman bertahan sampai 5 bulan. Terus sekarang kamu hancur banget karena kamu kehilangan 'hal' itu, sesuatu yang kamu belum pernah rasain sebelumnya, kebahagiaan yang hal itu kasih ke kamu, tiba-tiba harus hilang gitu aja. Gapapa ya dee, sekarang hati kamu hancur tapi kita susun lagi ya hatinya? putting back all the pieces biar jadi hati kamu yang seutuhnya lagi. Takes a lot of time but hey! kamu pernah juga kok ngelewatin kaya gini sebelumnya, and you survived.

Tapi dee, you are being left by someone you love so much, that doesn't mean you're lacking in something. Kamu keren kok dee, kamu asik, kalau diajak ngobrol nyambung, kamu cantik, kamu baik, hati kamu baik banget, kamu tau cara bikin orang disekitar senang, kamu gapernah ada tujuan buat bikin orang-orang sedih, kamu selalu mau untuk ngeusahain apapun itu untuk buat orang-orang yang kamu sayangi bahagia. As I said before dee, you got a beautiful, pure heart, dee dan belum tentu semua orang punya hati secantik dan sebaik kamu. 

Gapapa yah, kalau orang yang kamu sayang ninggalin kamu? mereka ga bersyukur aja dengan apa yang mereka punya. Bukannya manusia umumnya kaya gitu? kamu juga pernah kan kaya gitu? 

Sekarang dee harus fokus yah, selesain kuliahnya, dapetin gelar MBA secepat mungkin dan cari kerja biar bisa berguna untuk orang-orang yang kamu sayang. Aku percaya kamu bisa. Kurangin ga pedenya yah? you are capable of anything, you're more than what you think. Sekarang, focus on yourself dulu aja yah? You will find someone that loves you so much that the thought of leaving you makes him barely breathe. Someone you've been asking for god every night, persis seperti yang kamu doain ke Allah disetiap penghujung  doa. Semangat ya dee<3

Aku jarang banget ngehargain kamu dee tapi sekarang aku mau sering-sering ngehargain kamu ya. Makasih ya udah survive, udah mau usaha untuk selalu hidup dan bertahan. Makasih udah selalu baik ke siapapun. Semoga lekas pulih hatinya.

 It's been a while since my last writing and I'm so happy that I still can access this blog and write. 

Ugh I know I tend to write when my heart is broken. 

However, I still have no idea what to write. I actually really want to write about my previous relationship. A relationship that opened my eyes, did give me a lot of things to learn, did give me new perspectives, and somehow, changed me. I mean, the way I see a relationship and how to behave has changed. 

I've always been that girl who gives all my love, and I still do. 

I've always been that girl who gives up easily when something seems wrong, that's not me anymore. 

And for this relationship, although I cry myself out almost every night, I know it's worth saving. This person really gives a significant impact on me. I can be myself around him, I can say what I want to say, I can say anything that pops up in my head without feeling embarrassed, I can smile and laugh over small things, I can tell him my cheapest jokes, I can freely show my bare face and soul, and most importantly, the way he makes me feel & his vibe, marvelous. I know for sure he also feels the same. 

I love the way he talks, the way he looks at me, the way he smiles, the way he walks, the way he eats, the way he focuses on what he's doing, the way he helps others, the way he stands for himself, the way he holds my hand, the way he kisses me, the way he hugs me, the way he sleeps, the way he laughs, the way he gives me a weird face cuz of my cheap jokes, the way he makes fun of my typos, the way he talks about his interests, the way he shows me the pictures he took himself, the way he appreciates me and people, the way he helps his family, all his small gestures, the way he never forgets to buy me a bottle of mineral water, the way he waves at me, the way he talks about his friends, the way he sends me selfies, the way he calls me pretty, his big beautiful heart, the way he apologizes, the way he understands me, all his efforts, I love them all. Does he realize that he's super lovely? 

I cannot seem to let go, I don't want to. Is it the time to give all my efforts back to him? I guess so. I don't want to lose anything that we had-or have. I don't want to give up on us. 

Isn't love all about fixing, recovering, and growing?